Intro Chapter to an adventure story

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FluffyMao
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Intro Chapter to an adventure story

Post by FluffyMao »

Okay, so I'm currently stressing myself with Camp NaNoWriMo this month, trying to get out a particularly vicious plot bunny that's been bothering me this past year. :pan:

This is the first two parts (chapters?) to the thing, working title is Dungeons of Danrya. I'm accepting all constructive critique, but particularly about the dialogue, too much/too little description, and the length (should each of these be individual chapters or should they be combined into one chapter?). And, of course, if you actually enjoyed reading this and would like to know what happens next, because I have no idea if this is even worth anything to anyone not me.
[hr]
Part One (word count: 1097):
Spoiler:
A breeze stirred the humid air, pulling at Rin’s dark curls. He’d lost his hair tie somewhere on the ride from home to here.

The whole household had come. After all, this might be the last time they saw him, and everyone was all too aware of that.

The first in Rin’s line of sight was his father, Tatsu, hard to miss. An incredibly large man, tall as well as broad, with a great bushy beard and curly hair to match, many mistook Tatsu for a laborer of some kind, regardless of the clothes he wore. Few saw the shrewd merchant underneath until the deal had been struck. Clinging to Tatsu’s leg like a stubborn burr, Nika occasionally rubbed red-ringed amber eyes and sniffled whenever he glanced Rin’s way. Nika was a little chubby, a little red-faced, and a little shorter than Rin. But he was friendly in a quiet kind of way, and usually had a soft smile on his face. Not so today.

Beside Tatsu, Grandmother Mimika, in her old-fashioned, sunset orchid sari (white & purple for funerals), glowered at Rin from where she stooped with her daughter, Mikiki, in a more modern sari-dress, and her daughter, Nuna, who was only five and wouldn’t have worn anything if she’d had her way. The three were basically the same person at different ages; lots of tightly coiled cinnamon curls piled atop their heads, with big doe eyes and skin like damp earth formed around a curvy shape; the very picture of traditional Eastern beauty. Grandmother was wrinklier & grayer, and Nuna was shorter & louder.

Aunt Kaira, Tatsu’s first wife, was pointedly angled away from Rin, bland brown eyes absorbed in her embroidery. Which, he supposed, was fair. She’d never liked him, why start pretending now. Her daughter, Azti, almost 15, was trying to remove baby Balam’s fist from his mother’s needlessly elaborate mass of braids and colorful beads before the prickly woman felt him yank. She sent Rin a brittle smile that lacked her usual exuberance. Azti, Rin thought at least, was actually pretty. She had their father’s bushy nut brown curls, warm amber eyes that always seemed to be in on some kind of joke, and a wide mouth made just for laughing smiles.

“Remember, not a word inside. Understand?”

Rin returned dark eyes to his mother and nodded quickly, shoving back memories of the story she had told last night.

Zahra, Tatsu’s second wife, was Western and it showed. She was tall, not nearly as large as her husband, but still tall, and slender. Silky hair fell unadorned, aside from her wedding comb, around an angular face in an inky, razor straight curtain, emphasizing her olive skin. Her eyes were pitch black and hard above a sharp nose and thin lips. Rin was a combination of his mother & father. His hair was darker, but not quite black, and curly, but not bushy. His eyes were also dark, not as warm as his father’s, not as cold as his mother’s.

Clutching at Zahra’s skirts, was a little girl with the biggest amber eyes and cutest button nose Rin had ever seen; his baby sister, Meggi, or Megishi, when she’d managed to cross Mum. She was frowning hard in the kind of concentration only four-year-olds can achieve, trying to untangle something from her mess of thick, nut brown curls. She was too young to understand the situation.

Rin felt more than heard Zahra sigh, and his attention snapped back to her. A small, crooked half-smile had found it’s way onto her face, softening the angles as her gaze swept over her only son, memorizing him as he had been the rest of their family. She swept a hand through his hair, tenderly tucking a stray curl behind his ear. She pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, and whispered, so low that Rin, standing right before her, barely caught it, “Come back to me.”

I’ll try, he thought, squeezing her hand once.

Then she was standing, the movement fluid and graceful. “Say something to your father,” she directed, gently pressing him towards Tatsu.

Rin turned to face his father. Behind the large man the Pyramid gleamed darkly in the sunlight.

“Rin!”

Rin's attention snapped behind him again as Meggi came running up to him, something bright pink held tight in one pudgy hand.

She skidded to a stop in front on him and thrust the hair tie up to him. “To hold back your hair,” she explained seriously. “Don’t wanna get it caught somewhere.”

Rin smiled crookedly and bent down to her level. “That’s yours though. Dad got it in the capital and brought it back just for you.”

She nodded solemnly. “So, you have to promise to bring it back.”

His heart stung. Rin took the tie, staring at it a moment. It was pink silk, with a pretty little mango fruit pattern embroidered delicately over it. Meggi’s favorite colors with her favorite fruit.

He met the little girl’s gaze and the few thoughts of explaining how he might not come back just…fled. “I’ll bring it back,” he whispered. “I promise.” The word echoed slightly in his head.

The sun rose over the canopy, such was the brightness of her grin. She grabbed him in a fierce hug, as far as her arms could reach, and squeezed with all her strength, which was a lot for a four-year-old. “I know you will.” Then, with another grin, she ran back to Mum.

Meggi hadn’t been born yet when Aapo went to the Pyramid.

Rin took a few deep breaths as he approached his father.

Tatsu dropped to his knees and pulled the boy into a bone-crushing hug. Tears sparkled in his eyes. “You’re going to do well, my boy!”

“I’ll be back,” Rin said, pulling back from Tatsu slightly.

The big man gave him a watery smile in return. “Of course you will. Such a dutiful son!”

I have to come back. Rin let his fingers tangle in his father’s thick hair as he hugged back. Dad can’t handle losing another son. I have to come back. Over his father’s shoulder, Rin could make out Nika, sobbing outright now, and Azti, gulping for air and smiling painfully at him, her eyes brittle bright. He remembered Aapo’s Questing. Everyone had been smiling and laughing. Everyone had been happy. That was a far cry from this.

Rin forced himself out of his father’s arms, and turned to face the Pyramid. He took a deep breath. Then another. Then, before his resolve could leave him, he marched for Danrya’s Pyramid.
[hr]
Part Two (word count: 603):
Spoiler:
Old vines and ancient trees grew over and around the stepped pyramid. It was an enormous, sprawling structure built of a dark blue-gray stone found only in the Dungeons, fitted seamlessly together and dotted here and there with traces of faded pigments, reds & blues & greens, mimicking the vibrant colors of the rainforest around them. Runes once chiseled deep into the surface had been worn smooth in places from time and weather. Some people estimated that the Pyramid, and the other Dungeons of Danrya, were the oldest structures in the world. An ancient tomb or temple or maybe even prison, long abandoned and filled with powerful monsters, clever traps, and magic. It was the last that made it a Questing place. The hope was that if you had a spark of magic, the Pyramid would trigger it, activating any mana that would otherwise lay dormant.

In Izzia, the Questing age was between 12 and 13. Traditionally, the day you attempted was your birthday.

Rin was 12, as of that morning. He had a bloodline in his favor. His mother was a mage. Her family line stretched back generations, usually with one mage each generation. That didn’t guarantee that Rin would survive the Pyramid. You could make it back out without a spark. Just like you could enter with a spark and never leave.

It was the latter that concerned Rin. Dad would break.

There were two entrances to the Pyramid, one at the very top and one at the bottom. The bottom was the traditional Questing entrance, a perfect square cut into the bottom stone step, as tall as a man and framed all the way around by pale, fossilized wood. Two soldiers flanked the entrance, spear tips glinting in the sunlight.

One, her badge named her Lieutenant Ix, unrolled a narrow scroll and smiled warmly at Rin. “Name, please?” she asked, bending down to his level.

“Rin. Khet,” Rin managed, stuck staring at the doorless opening. The entrance opened up to complete and utter blackness. Absolutely no light made it past the threshold to penetrate that darkness, despite the sun poised perfectly behind him.

“You’re the first today,” Lt. Ix continued, cheerfully making a mark next to his name on the scroll. “Home and main contact?”

Her broader companion, a Sergeant Nekt, prepped a long copper needle. He rolled the tip between his fingers, and the air around it shimmered with heat. He gestured Rin forward with a grunt, stepping out of his slump against the Pyramid wall.

“Shima. Um, my mum, Zahra Khet.”

Lt. Ix positively beamed at the family clustered at the edge of the Pyramid grounds, watching intently.

Aapo once stood here.

With efficiency, if not much care, Sgt. Nekt pricked Rin’s left index finger, and quickly pressed the developing bead of blood into a pure white square of fabric. He held it there for several moments while Lt. Ix frisked Rin for anything he might be trying to take into the Pyramid. As if he was that stupid.

“You’re all set,” Lt. Ix announced. Sgt. Nekt labeled the small fabric square with Rin’s name and the date, then nodded at the smiley lieutenant.

“You’ll need to find a room with a big ring in it, and step through it three times, then the exit will appear. Alright?”

Rin nodded, swallowing down the sudden lump of nervousness. This is it.

“Good luck,” murmured Lt. Ix with a friendly smile. Sgt. Nekt smiled as well, though it looked far less practiced. They waved him towards the opening.

Rin wondered if they had smiled at Aapo too. Then he entered the Pyramid.
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Re: Intro Chapter to an adventure story

Post by KatLovesPotatoes »

I love this already. I think you should combine the two parts. While they’re both good, I think they would fit as one chapter.

The dialogue is good, and so are the descriptions, telling us just enough about Rin’s family and how they’re feeling about what is happening.

I really like it. It’s very interesting and mysterious, making me wonder and want to read more. :D
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Re: Intro Chapter to an adventure story

Post by miss_eulenauge »

Whoa. This is so good! I want to find out more.
I think you could very well combine them into one chapter.
I really liked the dialogue, too.
One thing I noticed - the three paragraphs where you describe Rin's family. There, you had many adjectives and long, complicated, elaborate sentences. They sound really beautiful, but I personally stumbled a little there. (Might just be that English isn't my first language, but still :) )
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Re: Intro Chapter to an adventure story

Post by Trip »

I also agree that the family introductions could be broken up by dialogue, other happenings, etc. or weaved into those. But I really like the rest, especially when Rin gets to the pyramid, and also I'm just happy you're back. :hugs:
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Re: Intro Chapter to an adventure story

Post by FluffyMao »

Thanks for all the responses! To be honest, I wasn't sure if this board was that active. So thank you!

I'll definitely be combining these parts into one chapter now. I tried to rewrite the paragraphs describing the family, interspersed with dialogue and other tidbits. What do you all think?

Rewrite:
Spoiler:
The first in Rin’s line of sight was his father, Tatsu, hard to miss. He was an incredibly large man, tall as well as broad, with a great bushy beard and curly hair to match. On first glance, many mistook Tatsu for a laborer of some kind, regardless of the clothes he wore. Few saw the shrewd merchant underneath until the deal had been struck.

During the long trip, Tatsu had kept up a steady stream of chatter. He pointed out clouds through breaks in the canopy, commented on the weather, and debated with his eldest daughter the merits of investing in Solian batik linen versus Obrunese silks. Now, he was silent, lips pressed together hard.

Clinging to Tatsu’s leg like a stubborn burr, Nika occasionally rubbed red-ringed amber eyes and sniffled whenever he glanced Rin’s way. Nika was a little chubby, a little red-faced, and a little shorter than Rin. But he was friendly in a quiet kind of way, and usually had a soft smile on his face. Not so today.

“Not even first son,” grumbled Grandmother from beside Tatsu.

Grandmother Mimika, in her old-fashioned, sunset orchid sari (white & purple for funerals), glowered at Rin from where she stooped with her daughter, Mikiki, in a more modern sari-dress, and her daughter, Nuna, who was only five and wouldn’t have worn anything if she’d had her way. The three were basically the same person at different ages; lots of tightly coiled cinnamon curls piled atop their heads, with big doe eyes and skin like damp earth formed around a curvy shape; the very picture of traditional Eastern beauty. Grandmother was wrinklier & grayer, and Nuna was shorter & louder.

“Hush, Mimika,” murmured Aunt Kaira, bland brown eyes never leaving her embroidery. Her nimble fingers picked out something blocky on the pale blue silk.

Grandmother huffed, but held her peace.

Kaira, Tatsu’s first wife, was pointedly angled away from Rin. Which, he supposed, was fair. She’d never liked him, why start pretending now. Her daughter, Azti, almost fifteen, was trying to remove baby Balam’s fist from his mother’s needlessly elaborate mass of braids and colorful beads before the prickly woman felt him yank. She sent Rin a brittle smile that lacked her usual exuberance. Azti, Rin thought at least, was actually pretty. She had their father’s bushy nut brown curls, warm amber eyes that always seemed to be in on some kind of joke, and a wide mouth made just for laughing smiles.
And in case you want it in context, here's the entire chapter:
Spoiler:
A breeze stirred the humid air, pulling at Rin’s dark curls. He’d lost his hair tie somewhere on the ride from home to here.

The whole household had come. After all, this might be the last time they saw him, and everyone was all too aware of that.

The first in Rin’s line of sight was his father, Tatsu, hard to miss. He was an incredibly large man, tall as well as broad, with a great bushy beard and curly hair to match. On first glance, many mistook Tatsu for a laborer of some kind, regardless of the clothes he wore. Few saw the shrewd merchant underneath until the deal had been struck.

During the long trip, Tatsu had kept up a steady stream of chatter. He pointed out clouds through breaks in the canopy, commented on the weather, and debated with his eldest daughter the merits of investing in Solian batik linen versus Obrunese silks. Now, he was silent, lips pressed together hard.

Clinging to Tatsu’s leg like a stubborn burr, Nika occasionally rubbed red-ringed amber eyes and sniffled whenever he glanced Rin’s way. Nika was a little chubby, a little red-faced, and a little shorter than Rin. But he was friendly in a quiet kind of way, and usually had a soft smile on his face. Not so today.

“Not even first son,” grumbled Grandmother from beside Tatsu.

Grandmother Mimika, in her old-fashioned, sunset orchid sari (white & purple for funerals), glowered at Rin from where she stooped with her daughter, Mikiki, in a more modern sari-dress, and her daughter, Nuna, who was only five and wouldn’t have worn anything if she’d had her way. The three were basically the same person at different ages; lots of tightly coiled cinnamon curls piled atop their heads, with big doe eyes and skin like damp earth formed around a curvy shape; the very picture of traditional Eastern beauty. Grandmother was wrinklier & grayer, and Nuna was shorter & louder.

“Hush, Mimika,” murmured Aunt Kaira, bland brown eyes never leaving her embroidery. Her nimble fingers picked out something blocky on the pale blue silk.

Grandmother huffed, but held her peace.

Kaira, Tatsu’s first wife, was pointedly angled away from Rin. Which, he supposed, was fair. She’d never liked him, why start pretending now. Her daughter, Azti, almost fifteen, was trying to remove baby Balam’s fist from his mother’s needlessly elaborate mass of braids and colorful beads before the prickly woman felt him yank. She sent Rin a brittle smile that lacked her usual exuberance. Azti, Rin thought at least, was actually pretty. She had their father’s bushy nut brown curls, warm amber eyes that always seemed to be in on some kind of joke, and a wide mouth made just for laughing smiles.

“Remember, not a word inside. Understand?”

Rin returned dark eyes to his mother and nodded quickly, shoving back memories of the story she had told last night.

Zahra, Tatsu’s second wife, was Western and it showed. She was tall, not nearly as large as her husband, but still tall, and slender. Silky hair fell unadorned, aside from her wedding comb, around an angular face in an inky, razor straight curtain, emphasizing her olive skin. Her eyes were pitch black and hard above a sharp nose and thin lips. Rin was a combination of his mother & father. His hair was darker, but not quite black, and curly, but not bushy. His eyes were also dark, not as warm as his father’s, not as cold as his mother’s.

Clutching at Zahra’s skirts, was a little girl with the biggest amber eyes and cutest button nose Rin had ever seen; his baby sister, Meggi, or Megishi, when she’d managed to cross Mum. She was frowning hard in the kind of concentration only four-year-olds can achieve, trying to untangle something from her mess of thick, nut brown curls. She was too young to understand the situation.

Rin felt more than heard Zahra sigh, and his attention snapped back to her. A small, crooked half-smile had found it’s way onto her face, softening the angles as her gaze swept over her only son, memorizing him as he had been the rest of their family. She swept a hand through his hair, tenderly tucking a stray curl behind his ear. She pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, and whispered, so low that Rin, standing right before her, barely caught it, “Come back to me.”

I’ll try, he thought, squeezing her hand once.

Then she was standing, the movement fluid and graceful. “Say something to your father,” she directed, gently pressing him towards Tatsu.

Rin turned to face his father. Behind the large man the Pyramid gleamed darkly in the sunlight.

“Rin!”

Rin’s attention snapped behind him again as Meggi came running up to him, something bright pink held tight in one pudgy hand.

She skidded to a stop in front of him and thrust the hair tie up to him. “To hold back your hair,” she explained seriously. “Don’t wanna get it caught somewhere.”

Rin smiled crookedly and bent down to her level. “That’s yours though. Dad got it in the capital and brought it back just for you.”

She nodded solemnly. “So, you have to promise to bring it back.”

His heart stung. Rin took the tie, staring at it a moment. It was pink silk, with a pretty little mango fruit pattern embroidered delicately over it. Meggi’s favorite colors with her favorite fruit.

He met the little girl’s gaze and the few thoughts of explaining how he might not come back just…fled. “I’ll bring it back,” he whispered. “I promise.” The word echoed slightly in his head.

The sun rose over the canopy, such was the brightness of her grin. She grabbed him in a fierce hug, as far as her arms could reach, and squeezed with all her strength, which was a lot for a four-year-old. “I know you will.” Then, with another grin, she ran back to Mum.

Meggi hadn’t been born yet when Aapo went to the Pyramid.

Rin took a few deep breaths as he approached his father.

Tatsu dropped to his knees and pulled the boy into a bone-crushing hug. Unshed tears sparkled in his eyes. “You’re going to do well, my boy!”

“I’ll be back,” Rin said, pulling back from Tatsu slightly.

The big man gave him a watery smile in return. “Of course you will. Such a dutiful son!”

I have to come back. Rin let his fingers tangle in his father’s thick hair as he hugged back. Dad can’t handle losing another son. I have to come back. Over his father’s shoulder, Rin could make out Nika, sobbing outright now, and Azti, gulping for air and smiling painfully at him, her eyes brittle bright. He remembered Aapo’s Questing. Everyone had been smiling and laughing. Everyone had been happy. That was a far cry from this.

Rin forced himself out of his father’s arms, and turned to face the Pyramid. His hands mechanically tied back his hair. He took a deep breath. Then another. Then, before his resolve could leave him, he marched for Danrya’s Pyramid.

Old vines and ancient trees grew over and around the stepped pyramid. It was an enormous, sprawling structure built of a dark blue-gray stone found only in the Dungeons, fitted seamlessly together and dotted here and there with traces of faded pigments, reds & blues & greens, mimicking the vibrant colors of the rainforest around them. Runes once chiseled deep into the surface had been worn smooth in places from time and weather. Some people estimated that the Pyramid, and the other Dungeons of Danrya, were the oldest structures in the world. An ancient tomb or temple or maybe even prison, long abandoned and filled with powerful monsters, clever traps, and magic. It was the last that made it a Questing place. The hope was that if you had a spark of magic, the Pyramid would trigger it, activating any mana that would otherwise lay dormant.

In Izzia, the Questing age was between twelve and thirteen years old. Traditionally, the day you attempted was your birthday.

Rin was twelve, as of that morning. He had a bloodline in his favor. His mother was a mage. Her family line stretched back generations, usually with one mage each generation. That didn’t guarantee that Rin would survive the Pyramid. You could make it back out without a spark. Just like you could enter with a spark and never leave.

It was the latter that concerned Rin. Dad would break.

There were two entrances to the Pyramid, one at the very top and one at the bottom. The bottom was the traditional Questing entrance, a perfect square cut into the bottom stone step, as tall as a man and framed all the way around by pale, fossilized wood. Two soldiers flanked the entrance, spear tips glinting in the sunlight.

One, her badge named her Lieutenant Ix, unrolled a narrow scroll and smiled warmly at Rin. “Name, please?” she asked, bending down to his level.

“Rin. Khet,” Rin managed, stuck staring at the doorless opening. The entrance opened up to complete and utter blackness. Absolutely no light made it past the threshold to penetrate that darkness, despite the sun poised perfectly behind him.

“You’re the first today,” Lieutenant Ix continued, cheerfully making a mark next to his name on the scroll. “Home and main contact?”

Her broader companion, a Sergeant Nekt, prepped a long copper needle. He rolled the tip between his fingers, and the air around it shimmered with heat. He gestured Rin forward with a grunt, stepping out of his slump against the Pyramid wall.

“Shima. Um, my mum, Zahra Khet.”

Lieutenant Ix positively beamed at the family clustered at the edge of the Pyramid grounds, watching intently.

Aapo once stood here.

With efficiency, if not much care, Sergeant Nekt pricked Rin’s left index finger, and quickly pressed the developing bead of blood into a pure white square of fabric. He held it there for several moments while Lieutenant Ix frisked Rin for anything he might be trying to take into the Pyramid. As if he was that stupid.

“You’re all set,” Lieutenant Ix announced. Sergeant Nekt labeled the small fabric square with Rin’s name and the date, then nodded at the smiley lieutenant.

“You’ll need to find a room with a big ring in it, and step through it three times, then the exit will appear. Alright?”

Rin nodded, swallowing down the sudden lump of nervousness. This is it.

“Good luck,” murmured Lieutenant Ix with a friendly smile. Sergeant Nekt smiled as well, though it looked far less practiced. They waved him towards the opening.

Rin wondered if they had smiled at Aapo too. Then he entered the Pyramid.
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Re: Intro Chapter to an adventure story

Post by miss_eulenauge »

I like it! (ugh I should have somehow saved what I have written here. All gone. :( )
Anyways... Sorry that this won't be a very long comment. But... life. :D

I really like how you kept your poetic style (I notice it most where you describe the father) but made it much nicer to read. The "tidbits" in between do a good job at breaking up the descriptive parts and showing us your characters "in action" - which, btw, made them a lot more distinguishable for me. Have to admit that I got all the new characters a bit mixed up in my head, but now that's a lot better :D

I like your story, and I'll gladly read any other bits you give us! Of course I'll also try my best to give you feedback as far as RL allows :)
Wishing you much inspiration, and fun with planning and writing! :)
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Re: Intro Chapter to an adventure story

Post by FluffyMao »

miss_eulenauge, thanks for looking it over, and for your kind words! I'm hoping to get the 2nd chapter posted here soon if you're interested. It's...more actiony? But still less dialogue...for story reasons. >.<
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